“In every walk of life, we assume the expression and appearance of the person we want others to believe we are. Hence, we may say that this world is a world of masks.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Most people claim that their motives are good and pure, yet their actions often suggest otherwise. Dishonesty, manipulation, gaslighting, and other immoral acts frequently taint their interactions in the social world. In this video, we examine the dark psychology that shapes human behavior and examine how it plays a far greater role in social life than most of us are willing to admit.
“…we have many reasons for our behaviors, but we habitually accentuate and exaggerate our pretty, prosocial motives and downplay our ugly, selfish ones.”
Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson, The Elephant in the Brain: Hidden Motives in Everyday Life
For millennia, philosophers, psychologists, poets and playwrights have emphasized that we are “strangers to ourselves.” We have conscious knowledge of only a tiny portion of the processes, emotions, thoughts, desires, and drives that move us.
“How can the human being know itself? It is a thing dark and veiled.”
Friedrich Nietzsche, Untimely Meditations III
This limited self-knowledge has often been attributed to the depth and complexity of the human mind. And while there is truth to this, we also play an active role in deceiving ourselves about the motives behind our actions. We often act from selfish, vain, or manipulative motives while convincing ourselves that we are moved by benevolence, selflessness, or virtue.
The traditional explanation for self-deception is that it preserves a positive self-image. As the psychologists Shelley Taylor and Jonathon Brown argued in a classic paper, human beings tend to possess “unrealistically positive views of themselves,” because these illusions help protect a fragile self-esteem.
But in recent years psychologists have also discovered that self-deception serves a strategic social function: it helps us deceive others about the true motives behind our actions.
“We deceive ourselves the better to deceive others…the mind continually acts to distort information flow in favor of the usual goal of appearing better than one really is.”
Robert Trivers, The Folly of Fools
The logic behind this strategy is simple: the best deceiver is the one who believes in his own deceptions. The wolf who not only wears sheep’s clothing, but convinces himself that he is a sheep, is better able to convince others that he is harmless. Or as Simler and Hanson continue:
“We are a species that’s not only capable of acting on hidden motives—we’re designed to do it. Our brains are built to act in our self-interest while at the same time trying hard not to appear selfish in front of other people. And in order to throw them off the trail, our brains often keep “us,” our conscious minds, in the dark. The less we know of our own ugly motives, the easier it is to hide them from others…Human beings are self-deceived because self-deception is useful. It allows us to reap the benefits of selfish behavior while posing as unselfish in front of others…In deceiving ourselves, then, we’re often acting to deceive and manipulate others.”
Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson, The Elephant in the Brain: Hidden Motives in Everyday Life
Take friendship, which is considered one of the relationships least corrupted by ugly emotions or Machiavellian motives. On the surface, everyone claims to want the best for their friends. Yet most of us feel envy upon hearing of a friend’s success.
“It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.”
Aeschylus
This envy arises from our tendency to compare ourselves with those in our social circle. When a friend achieves something significant, our own life may seem diminished by comparison. In an ideal scenario we would use this disparity as motivation to better ourselves, but in most cases we simply envy our friend. To preserve the image that we are a good friend, we do not admit this envy, even to ourselves. Yet it can seep out in passive-aggressive behavior, such as insults or criticisms disguised as jokes, or attempts to make the friend’s success appear less desirable than it really is, like the fox in Aesop’s fable who calls the grapes sour because he cannot reach them.
“Often we boast of our most criminal passions, but envy is so mean and so sordid that we never admit it.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Even more contemptible is schadenfreude: the pleasure many people feel when others, even their friends, suffer misfortune. As the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer explained:
“There are few ways by which you can make more certain of putting people into a good mood than by telling them of some trouble that has recently befallen you, or by unreservedly disclosing some personal weakness of yours. How characteristic this is of humanity!”
Arthur Schopenhauer, Counsels and Maxims
By comparing ourselves with our suffering friend, we can feel better in comparison. But a friend’s misfortune also gives us an opportunity to feel like a good person. By extending compassion and offering a helping hand, we can praise ourselves for being so caring and devoted, while also basking in the gratitude of the friend who suffers.
“We are easily consoled for the suffering of our friends, if it affords an opportunity of exhibiting our devotion.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Arthur Schopenhauer advised that if we want to test the sincerity of a friend, we should tell him of some misfortune that has befallen us, and then observe his reaction, especially the expression on his face. If we detect a fleeting expression of glee – perhaps a sparkle in the eye, or a slight upward turn of the mouth, as if a smile were trying to break through – then our friend’s goodwill toward us is not completely genuine. Or as Schopenhauer advises:
“…there is no better means of testing the genuineness of a friend than the way in which he receives the news of a misfortune that has just happened to you. At that moment the expression of his features will either show that his one thought is that of true and sincere sympathy for you; or else the absolute composure of his countenance, or the passing trace of something other than sympathy, will confirm the well-known maxim of La Rochefoucauld: “When our best friends suffer misfortune, there is always something in it that is not entirely displeasing to us.” Indeed, at such a moment, the ordinary so-called friend will find it hard to suppress the signs of a slight smile of pleasure.”
Arthur Schopenhauer, Counsels and Maxims
Another way dark psychology shapes social behavior is through our tendency to mistake our weaknesses and vices for virtues.
“Our virtues are most frequently but vices disguised.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Most of us praise ourselves, and seek praise from others, for being good, upstanding citizens who obey authority, follow the rules of society, and care about the well-being of others. Yet this benevolence and sense of duty to society are often a facade, behind which lies cowardice. Many of us conform to whatever outward signs of goodness are demanded by society simply because we lack the independence and strength to withstand disapproval, criticism, or social exclusion. As La Rochefoucauld observed:
“…it is frequently laziness and timidity that keep us within the path of duty, it is virtue that reaps the credit.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
The same logic applies to niceness. Many of us are nice to people not because we are truly amiable; rather, our niceness is often a mask we wear because we fear the reaction we would provoke if the meanness of our character were exposed to the world.
“True amiability is the rarest of virtues; most people who think themselves amiable are only indolent or weak.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Along with hiding weakness and meanness behind a veil of virtue, dark psychology also shapes us through the many self-deceptions we use to conceal our faults and personality flaws from others, and from ourselves.
“Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to in order to hide them.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
As a common example, we often criticize others for faults that we possess and by projecting these faults onto them we direct attention away from their existence in ourselves.
“Had we no faults, we should not take such pleasure in discovering them in others…It is our own pride that blames our neighbor’s pride.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Pointing out and criticizing the faults of others also grants the illusion of superiority, and this accounts for the popularity of gossiping. Gossiping offers an easy way to feel as if we are a better person than we are. When we discuss with another person all the faults and wrongdoings of a shared acquaintance, we can both feel good about ourselves – for at least, we tell ourselves, we are not as flawed as they are. Or as Nietzsche observed in an aphorism titled “The value of belittling”:
“…perhaps the great majority of men find it necessary, in order to maintain their self-respect and a certain effectiveness in their actions, to lower and belittle the image they form of everyone they know.”
Friedrich Nietzsche, Human all too Human
Even in those rare moments when we admit a fault, we often do so to direct attention away from a bigger one we are more ashamed of, or that we want to hide from others. For example, an individual may admit that he is “too blunt” or “too honest,” when in reality he is simply cruel and enjoys humiliating others by calling out their faults and failures to their face.
“We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Yet of all the dark hidden motives that influence us in our interactions with others, perhaps the most powerful and pervasive is vanity.
“The most vulnerable and yet most unconquerable of things is human vanity.”
Friedrich Nietzsche, Human all too Human
Vanity is excessive pride in our supposed good qualities, combined with a deep need to be admired and praised by others. It is present, to some degree, in almost every social situation. Take everyday conversation. If asked why we enjoy talking to others, most of us will say we like to exchange information, learn something new, or feel connected to other people. And these reasons often contain a kernel of truth. But a primary, yet hidden motive, behind most conversation is vanity. We talk to elicit praise, which explains why most of us talk so much and listen so little. In conversations, we put our best qualities on display and every sign of praise or admiration from our listener feeds our vanity.
“We rarely talk unprompted by vanity.”
François de La Rochefoucauld, The Moral Maxims and Reflections
Or as Simler and Hanson continue:
“If exchanging information were the be-all and end-all of conversation, then we would expect people to be greedy listeners and stingy speakers. Instead, we typically find ourselves with the opposite attitude: eager to speak at every opportunity. In fact, we often compete to have our voices heard, for example, by interrupting other speakers or raising our voices to talk over them…Conversation, therefore, looks on the surface like an exercise in sharing information, but subtextually, it’s a way for speakers to show off their wit, perception, status, and intelligence.”
Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson, The Elephant in the Brain: Hidden Motives in Everyday Life
That vanity is a driving force behind conversation is supported by the fact that one of the best ways to “win friends and influence people” is to let people talk about themselves, while appearing attentive and impressed by what they have to say. Or as Olivia Fox Cabane explains in The Charisma Myth:
“Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it. Believe it or not, you don’t need to sound smart. You just need to make them feel smart.”
Olivia Fox Cabane, The Charisma Myth
Knowledge of this dark psychology can breed cynicism and misanthropy. When we notice the selfishness, vanity, envy, and deception that lie behind so much human behavior, we may be tempted to conclude that other people are not worthy of our love, trust or kindness. We may become suspicious of every gesture of goodwill, and interpret every act of kindness as a disguise.
To preserve our goodwill toward others, we should remember that human beings are a mixture of darkness and light. In the human being, selfish and ugly motives coexist with prosocial and virtuous ones. The fact that we have a dark side does not mean we should ignore human goodness, or deny that people are capable of genuine benevolence and virtue.
“To admit the ubiquity of selfish motives is not to deny the existence of lofty motives; both can (and do) coexist within the same person.”
Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson, The Elephant in the Brain: Hidden Motives in Everyday Life
It is also useful see ourselves as students of human nature, much like primatologists studying the behavior of apes. When we detect an ugly emotion or hidden motive behind someone’s behavior, instead of letting it disturb us, we can treat it as another piece of information added to our knowledge of this strange and fascinating species. To paraphrase Friedrich Nietzsche, the human being may be the sickest animal, but for this very reason, he is also the most interesting. Or as Arthur Schopenhauer advises:
“…if you come across any special trait of meanness or stupidity…you must be careful not to let it annoy or distress you, but to look upon it merely as an addition to your knowledge—a new fact to be considered in studying the character of humanity. Your attitude towards it will be that of the mineralogist who stumbles upon a very characteristic specimen of a mineral.”
Arthur Schopenhauer, Counsels and Maxims
