“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good.”
Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince
While kindness is a virtue, being excessively nice is not. In this video we explore the nice guy syndrome. This syndrome affects many in the modern day. Its symptoms are as follows: putting the needs and expectations of others above our own; a compulsive seeking for social approval; a fear of interpersonal conflict; and a belief that if we can just be nice to everyone, we will create a smooth and happy life. Those afflicted by this syndrome never attain the contentment they believe they deserve. Instead, as we will explore in this video, their niceness leads to their ruin. It impedes their ability to accomplish goals and unfold their potential, prevents them from forming deep and satisfying relationships, and is harmful to their health.
“Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don’t like.
Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
The development of the nice guy syndrome typically has its roots in our childhood years. Specifically, nice guys tend to have parents who fail to offer unconditional acceptance, that is, acceptance that is offered in spite of one’s flaws, imperfections and mistakes. Instead, the love and acceptance that a future nice guy receives is conditional. He is taught that only if he behaves in certain ways and lives up to the parent’s unrealistic ideal of what amounts to a good child will he receive their approval. Children who lack unconditional acceptance come to believe that they must hide certain parts of themselves – those deemed bad by their parents – to be accepted and loved. They are also taught that they will be rejected unless they place the needs and wants of other people, namely their parents, above their own. This childhood environment is fertile ground for the emergence of the nice guy syndrome as it promotes character trait that strike at the heart of the syndrome such as people pleasing, perfectionism, and a fear of conflict. Or as Glover writes:
“Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Furthermore, the only thing that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one’s self by trying to become something different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or dangerous thing.”
Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
Developing into a nice guy is an understandable reaction to a dysfunctional upbringing, but it is ultimately a maladaptive reaction that paves the way for future suffering. Firstly, it inhibits our ability to fulfill our potential. For if we believe that we should put the needs of others above our own we will be less likely to strive for goals we find intrinsically worthwhile, which is essential to discovering our true potential. Instead, nice guys become enslaved to the wants and needs of others and their self-worth becomes contingent on how those in their social circle view them. Nice guys are also powerless to sculpt their own fate as their compulsive seeking for approval turns them into passive individuals who are easily used by other people, or as Glover writes:
“In an attempt to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences, all Nice Guys developed the same paradigm: “If I am good, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.” Unfortunately, this paradigm not only produces the opposite of what is desired, it guarantees nothing but feelings of perpetual powerlessness.”
Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
A second major problem nice guys face is that even though they are obsessed with gaining approval, the way they go about it sabotages their ability to form deep and meaningful relationships.
