“As well intentioned as most mothers are, they can hardly be expected to initiate their sons into something they are not. Without a father…the son stays a boy, trapped in dependency.”
James Hollis, Under Saturn’s Shadow
Historically, rites of passage have been crucial in helping boys attain manhood. But these rites of passage are practically non-existent in the modern West and so the task of initiating a boy into manhood lies principally with the father. Helping a boy become a man has always been one of the main functions of fatherhood. The 20th-century anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski considered the father’s role so crucial to a boy’s development that he claimed the necessity of the father to be “a universal law.” Or as he wrote:
“…no child should be brought into the world without a man — and one man at that — assuming the role of father, that is, guardian and protector, the male link between the child and the rest of the community. . .This is by no means only a European or Christian prejudice; it is the attitude found amongst most barbarous and savage people as well … I think that this generalization amounts to a universal sociological law.”
Branislaw Malinowski, Sex, Culture, and Myth
A father benefits a boy’s development in numerous ways, one of which is the unique way a father plays with his son. Play is universal among all mammals and it serves a critical developmental purpose as it is through playing that a child cultivates the skills, confidence, and knowledge, needed to succeed in adulthood.
“Hundreds of studies on young rats, monkeys, and humans show that young mammals want to play, need to play, and come out socially, cognitively, and emotionally impaired when they are deprived of play.”
Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation
As the sociologist David Popenoe notes in his book Families Without Fathers, studies have shown that when a mother plays with her child she tends to create a safe and comfortable play environment. In contrast, a father challenges a child through his form of play. Especially when he plays with a son, a father’s style of play is typically of the rough and tumble variety and involves friendly aggression, rough housing, and competition. This type of play is critical in teaching a boy how to control his innate aggressiveness by channeling it towards individually and socially constructive ends. Peter Gray, a developmental psychologist at Boston University, explains that:
“…play requires suppression of the drive to dominate and enables the formation of long-lasting cooperative bonds.”
Peter Gray, Evolutionary Functions of Play
By engaging in aggressive play, a father also helps cultivate his son’s capacity for empathy by helping him recognize when his aggression crosses the line from competitive play to violence. A 26-year longitudinal study discovered that the most empathic adult men are those who grew up with a father in the household. In contrast, boys raised without a father are more likely to become men who lack empathy, and who channel their innate aggression in socially unacceptable ways.
“Juvenile delinquency and violence are…generated disproportionately by youths in mother-only households and in other households where the biological father is not present.”
David Popenoe, Families Without Fathers
