“The solemn, deep promise to be gentle with ourselves must be invoked again and again.”
Theodore Rubin, Compassion and Self-Hate
Most of us make a genuine effort to treat others with patience, understanding, and kindness, yet we fail to do the same with ourselves. Self-criticism is far more common than self-compassion. We frequently tell ourselves that we are stupid, lazy, unattractive, socially inept, unlovable, unsuccessful, or somehow defective.
In this video, we draw this poisonous self-talk out of the privacy of the mind and into the light of conscious examination. We explore two of the more common forms of self-criticism, examine how self-criticism cripples us, and present a proven method for bringing this practice of self-punishment to an end.
“In pathological self-criticism we have a problem that is extremely common, that is ruinous to the lives and happiness of people, and that entails significant obstacles to change…however, pathological self-criticism can be treated successfully and in some cases in a surprisingly short period of time.”
Raymond Bergner, Pathological Self-Criticism
Not all self-criticism is harmful, rather some criticism is constructive and promotes a virtuous and successful life. Constructive self-criticism serves our best interests: it identifies flaws, mistakes, or ineffective patterns of behavior while illuminating viable paths for improvement.
For example, if we recognize a tendency to procrastinate, or indulge in short-term pleasures at the expense of meaningful goals, it is appropriate to criticize the behavior so long as that criticism affirms our capacity to do better and points toward concrete, actionable steps for change. Or as X continues:
“Constructive self-criticism should inform one, for example, that one’s behavior is unsuccessful, what there is about the behavior that accounts for its lack of success, and/or how the behavior might be improved in the future.”
Raymond Bergner, Pathological Self-Criticism
But there is also a pathological form of self-criticism. Pathological self-criticism is marked by two defining features.
Firstly, rather than identifying a specific weakness and attempting to correct it, pathological self-criticism fixates on a shortcoming and treats it as evidence that we are irremediably defective or worthless. For example, if we are anxious in social situations, we label ourselves a loser rather than recognizing that we may simply be introverted by nature and that the social ease that comes naturally to extroverted individuals is a skill we must cultivate.
Secondly, whereas constructive self-criticism is grounded in an acceptance of human fallibility and the recognition that we all possess weaknesses and flaws, pathological self-criticism is merciless and absent understanding and compassion. When we engage in it, our psyche is transformed into an inner courtroom in which one part of our self assumes the role of the vindictive judge who punishes the part of our self deemed inadequate or defective. It is this prosecutorial quality that led X to use the figure of the “hanging judge” as a metaphor for pathological self-criticism.
A familiar figure in American Wild West folklore, the “hanging judge” was a magistrate notorious for handing down the same sentence – death by hanging – no matter how trivial the offence. In the same way, when we engage in pathological self-criticism, moments of weakness or small blunders, be it an afternoon of procrastination or an awkward social misstep, are met with insults and self-contempt. We function as a hanging judge to ourselves in that the severity of the sentence we pass on ourselves bears no proportion to the gravity of the supposed crime. Or as Raymond Bergner explains:
“What distinguishes the hanging judge form of self-criticism is its overly harsh, vindictive, prosecutorial quality…In the wake of their angry, abusive attacks upon themselves, such individuals characteristically report being seriously depressed and, in extreme cases, suicidal (Stone & Stone, 1993). Such consequences are consistent with the classical psychoanalytic contention that depression is caused by anger directed against one’s own person…Overall, then, in the aftermath of a critic attack, the individual is left feeling quite depressed, personally savaged, and possessed of few ideas or motivations pertaining to the remediation of his or her alleged mistakes and failings.”
Raymond Bergner, Pathological Self-Criticism
Not all self-criticism is of the hanging judge variety, sometimes poisonous self-talk arises from perfectionism.
